I've never heard somebody else be brave enough to articulate this feeling - one that I also experienced over my mother's death around the same time. Mine was not as horrific as yours - although there was enough of that also. Mine included a failed suicide attempt about 2 weeks before she finally passed, and I remember being furious it had failed. It took me quite a while to forgive myself, but I have. It still helped a bunch reading your piece, thank you.